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Happiness
The past 3 days are the best days I've had in awhile. First was the malacca trip over the weekends, which involved was an epic trip of food, food and more food. Although it was just a short trip, it managed to achieve its job as a holiday and made me feel relaxed... and happy, really happy-- something that has eluded me for awhile now. It has nothing to do with the liquor, or the gambling. Its more because of friends... being able to be somewhere and enjoy something with friends feels great, especially when you're like me and have very few friends. I don't have pics, and a full account of the trip will serve no purpose, so lets skip that and move on to the next epic event... So, the day after coming back from malacca, there was a 1T21 class outing. I will just skip the boring parts on lunch and deciding on what to do, cos that part wasn't exactly awesome. Kbox was, though. Singing is cool...and it makes me happy, too. And it helps to have friends alongside you when you sing, too. As you can see, both things that made me happy have something to do with friends. Which led me to come up with my newest theory: Friends bring happiness. And it did cause some change in my perspective of friends... Hmm. How? I'm still not ready to trust, but I'm no longer totally seperated from others by the wall of pride anymore... man, this is complicating, and it sucks, oh well, won't think about it.
I blogged @ | 9:16 PM
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"Highest: 29/30 (in fact highest in the whole cohort) Well done." From Ms Teo's E-Mail. I know I didn't get 29... almost certainly. Went to redo the MCQ just now, found at least 2 careless mistakes. Which sets me to...28... and I think there's more... Around 26, probably. And all because I was over-confident. I don't mind losing... but I mind the way I lost, stupid reason. PURELY CARELESS MISTAKES. Damn.Pissed.Off. At Myself. Bloody. Hell.
I blogged @ | 7:12 PM
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暧昧是有进一步的冲动，却没有进一步的勇气。 更怕一旦进一步的话，便会失去。 暧昧让人受尽委屈, 找不到相爱的证据, 何时该前进何时该放弃, 连拥抱都没有勇气. 一场期待,一片空白. 人的心,就是这样狠起来. 不想再约束, 不要再痛苦, 下一次会有更好的情路... 如今，我的剑只为我自己挥, 因为你已是过客 因为路有些曲折 是美的...
I blogged @ | 7:47 PM
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Form change...again
我已经渐渐习惯, 对感情顺其自然. As much as I hate to admit it... I'm feeling tired, suddenly. All my escape routes from reality have been cut off -- I can't go to Hebe's event on friday cos of SPA, I can't find a new game to excel in after dota, and I'm pretty much alone now that term has started and everyone has to start school. Not being able to go see Hebe has impacted me much more than it should, especially at a time like this, before the Mid Years. But its been close to a year since I last saw S.H.E in person... I'm losing the energy I got from the last event... and I haven't found anything new to interest me, so I guess I'm out of energy, overall. I'm ready for the Mid Years, that much I know. But for the S.H.E hungry form to surface now? Its gonna make the next couple of months terrible... 我已经渐渐习惯 忙碌把生活填满 和自己分享晚餐 试着活得更理所当然 I guess I'll have to put the weakness aside and move on... there's too many things for me to do, I need to move on, even if there's no aim in life. Its not the first time... Who needs a purpose in life, anyway? No, life does not require anything like that... As long as I keep winning, who cares bout purpose... 你不要误会, 我只是有点累, 却没时间崩溃... I'm not weak, I don't need help, I'm handling everyhing alright. I can't even cry now if I tried to. I tried. I just need some time... to stop... and rest for abit, sort out things in my mind. I need an escape from reality. But I'm cut off from all methods of escape. When's the next S.H.E album coming? When will the next interesting game arrive? When will a new true friend walk into my life? When will something that will take up the maximum of my ability appear? When will I be able to be myself...and stop studying? None. None of them are in sight. What a terrible life. I'll end it here... no point continuing, it just gets worse. 无奈我和你写不出结局. Pictures... to advertise for my dad's shop on a blog which no one reads.  Yes, I'm smiling. No, I don't mean it. I don't like taking pictures cos I have to smile, for no reason, which is fake. But anyway... the one on my right is my Dad, the one on my left is my dad's friend who happens to help me alot with chem.
I blogged @ | 5:13 PM
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School starts tomorrow, and so do mid years. I'll finally get to know whats this terrible ominous premonition I've been getting whenever I think about school. Comparatively, I am fairly well prepared for this exam, compared to... any other exam I've sat for. So it shouldn't be too bad. Well, let the next chapter of terrible JC life unfold tomorrow...
I blogged @ | 1:03 PM
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Back
I made a bet with a teacher... So now I need to make sure I get at least a B for maths. Awesome. But that was part of my plan anyway... nothing much to worry about. I guess after three weeks of terribly empty holidays, I'm finally back to the state of mind which I had at the beginning of JC life. Less arrogant, more willing to work, similarly confident, and most important of all, virtually immune to troubles. Its something like a reset situation... something I've found myself wishing for recently. Once school reopens it will not be a continuation of what I did in the first two terms. It will be a new start. I guess while I started on that perfect state of mind last semester, I encountered things I had never met in SJI, and I strayed from my path. Now its clear to me, what appeared to be the path for me then was just an illusion, one that managed to hypnotise me due to the lack of exposure to those kinda problems in SJI. You probably don't know what I mean... but its okay. So now its clear to me, as clear as it was at the beginning of the year : My only purpose in JC is to study hard and make full use of my intelligence to see where it can take me, and get this 2 years over with as much academic success as possible-- something that had never been accomplished in SJI due to my arrogance and reliance on intelligence. For awhile in this 6 months I was slipping back bit by bit into how I was in SJI, lets hope it does not happen again. As such... my previous posts about how lonely I am becomes insignificant, since the only things that matter for this 2 yeras are my results. Yea... thats how it was supposed to be, and thats how it will be. Besides, I realised there are people who care for me after all. People who had been left out of my attention scope because I was too occupied with other people and other things. Just that they are not in school. Sometimes its best to slow down and observe... instead of being too persistent on one goal which may not even be my true destiny. This is abit of a rant, I know. But at least its a rant written in a much more stable state of mind than the previous posts. I'm thinkin about entirely different things now, compared to a month ago... the problems then now seem so trivial. But what a waste, I'm referring to the previous 6 months. I could've done so much. At least I learnt something... and that is to know when to press on and when to give up. In this case I've chosen to give up, since I see no point in pressing on. Some things aren't determined by intelligence or ability... being capable doesn't assure a happy life... Lessons I've learnt, I'll remember. I'm thinking of alot of things now. And you probably don't understand this post because there're so many hidden meanings. Well maybe I may write a poem or two... or an essay... in chinese, where all my thoughts can be projected much more smoothly, while no one will be able to decipher them... other than perhaps Wei Feng, who doesn't read my blog, I think. Well... thats all...
I blogged @ | 11:04 AM
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What, more of this shit? Arguably this is the worst holiday I've ever been through. True, I've been doing the exact same things that I've been doing in all the other holidays, gaming and more gaming. So what sets this holidays apart from the rest? While I've been doing the same things, its for entirely different purposes. In the past I played games for the feeling of accomplishment... Winning makes me happy, and I always win in games, more or less. So at least at that point of time, gaming made me happy. Now the sequence is still the same : Start, Play, Win. Except it does not make me happy anymore. But I continue, anyway, I guess its a place where I have to retreat to when everything else isn't happening for me, cos in games, I get to control what happens. I presume I'll keep returning to gaming... its like a part of my life. Probably cos I don't like interacting with people. I only just realised that. In the past I always had a group of friends to hang out with, so it wasn't that obvious. Interestingly, in JC, once that band of friends disbanded, I found that in school I walk alone most of the time. No, this is not some desperate plea for attention or friends, I'm actually quite fine with being solitary... Not like anyone will care. I've been searching for friends, but to no avail. I guess this 2 years will be much lonelier compared to my SJI years. Fine by me. I heard on the radio that in an experimental set-up, a tiger defeated a lion 7 out of 10 times. The reasoning behind this is that while the lion is the king of all beasts, it hunts and lives in groups, while tigers are solitary animals. Hence, when put in 1 to 1 fights, the tiger is much stronger and will therefore win. Taking this theory, I think I might as well be the tiger who is superior and give up companionship... so keep your distance.
I blogged @ | 12:28 PM
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Reflections.
Nope this post has nothing to do with mirrors whatsoever. Just a summary of thoughts and feelings I've had in this brief break from school... And no, I'm not emo... to say that Jw is emo just shows how little you understand me. People get tired of life, of duties, of relationships because of how much effort it takes them to keep going. I get tired of life cos its so damn boring and its not taking much effort to keep going. So you can hardly call that emo, can you? Arrogance? Maybe. But certainly being arrogant beats being depressed. Hands down, anyday. I dunno, perhaps its because there's so little things going in my life, compared to other people, that causes makes me so relaxed compared to other people. True, that. The people who I consider to be able to communicate and understand me can be counted with one.... finger. So, the social aspect of my life is horribly restricted. Its not that I'm some emo shit sitting in a corner refusing to interact with other people. But simply interacting with people doesn't equate to them being your friends. Sorry classmates, ex-classmates, or other people in my life, but how many of you regard me as truely significant, anyway? So pardon me for reacting in the same way. I haven't made an impact in your lives, and you haven't made an impact in mine, and it will most probably remain that way. Amen. Its not just me, either, I don't care what others say, but its not possible for anyone to treat everyone sincerely and with trust. Its one thing to laugh and talk together... and another to be close friends. Keep that in mind. And then, another reason why my life is so miserably empty is the rate at which I work. I won't attempt to be modest on my own blog, alright? Like, what for... no one reads it. Things others will take days... I take hours to accomplish. Things others will take hours... I finish in minutes. Perhaps its the crazily competitive nature in me that just driven me to work insanely fast since young, resulting in my current state. Or perhaps I'm just a little smarter... Joy even went as far as saying I'm like a genius... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...nah not that smart, lol. Thanks though. So... after that crazily outburst of ego... on to other things. I've been feeling strangely bored, empty, maybe even lonely. And I think, in search of answers. So it dawned on me that these feelings stems from the fact that I have no one close. As I look at my dad and mum, they all have many siblings... at any point of time there will be people there for them. For me, when I grow up, the only person who will be there for me is...myself. Not that I need help with anything I do, but still... Then, because all my life I haven't had anyone that is close to me, I end up unconciously trying to find someone whom I can get close to. I do things... I do too much, and I fail miserably. Yea, I'm sorry for causing all these unfortunate people trouble... Just understand that when I did those things I had meant nothing bad and I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to. Good news is... now that I've "seen my errors", I'll stop. And Jw will disappear from here...
I blogged @ | 10:11 PM
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End of a chapter.
Its the holidays... and suddenly everything slows down. I don't find myself moving fervently from one task onto another and just getting things out of the way as fast as possible. I have plenty of time to think... and thinking usually gets me somewhere... Well I've completed the first half my JC1 life. Seriously, I found it more tiresome than enjoyable, and I can't say I'm looking forward to the next half of it. Its tiring to care for one person, and its even more tiring to care for 26 people and take into consideration all their thoughts and feelings before deciding on how to act in class. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. Everyone's different, how are we supposed to operate together smoothly, without friction? I've been trying to avoid conflicts by paying more attention to people, but interestingly, I've been getting into more conflicts recently than when I used to just do things my way. The perfect harmony between everyone... Its just an illusion. Eventually ripples and tears will appear as time progresses. When that happens, what should I do about it? Salvage the relationship? Or just let it rest in peace? But whats the point in saving it, considering conflicts may still arise in a few months, even a few weeks time? From this perspective it seems all the effort put into relationships are void... a total waste of time. Yet I still try to salvage it, I dunno why, either. Its just a phase in life I have to go through...
I blogged @ | 5:58 PM
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